Money Can't Buy Me Happiness

Money can't buy me happiness, I keep telling myself. There exists a yearning I often feel for some "thing". It isn't so much a "thing" as it is a a "Who" whom I, in my natural state, disguise into something materialistic. At Christmas I find it difficult to differentiate between my true yearning and my disguised yearning. How did Christmas become more about getting and giving? Every year the struggle of highlighting "the real meaning of Christmas" appears, and yet every year I struggle with focusing too much on the presents I will be opening. I think, "this 'thing' will make me happy' or "once I have this, I'll be keeping up with everybody else". And every year, a few days after Christmas, the "joy" from my presents is lost. Lasting joy doesn't come from presents under the star on the tree, from my wants being met. Lasting joy comes from the Present that came under the brightest star, where the deepest needs are met. 

This year I felt a greater joy in giving, not that I gave very much :/. For the first time I was more excited to see my siblings' reactions to good gifts I knew they were opening. I felt this to the extreme of feeling guilty for the presents I opened. For years I was, and actually still am, known in my family as the one who gets the most presents. I love "little cool things" as I used to ask for for Christmas and birthdays. I knew if the presents were "little" I could get more of them. That's rather embarrassing to admit. Now, however, I find my desire for "little cool things" to be somewhat superfluous. It isn't that I don't want stuff I don't need; I still do.  I hope that the reason for the change is the work of the Spirit teaching me the joy in giving rather than receiving. 

Receiving isn't wholly bad though. In fact it may be better. Christ came to earth to serve. To become a follower of Christ, one must receive His life and sacrifice. To receive Christ one must humbly acknowledge and repent of his brokenness. To receive is to humble oneself.

Perhaps if I had first learned the joy of giving, I would better understand the secret of receiving. 

"Oh Lord, make me an instrument of your peace; Where there is hatred let me sow love; Where there is injury, pardon; Where there is doubt, faith; Where there is despair, hope; Where there is darkness, light; Where there is sadness, joy. Oh Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life."-St. Francis of Assisi

Writing with Hesitant Hands

I'm finally ready to write. Maybe.  I don't know if one is ever really ready to write.  Too many thoughts that change for them to be written down "permanently"; I can always add more or change a word.  I made this blog a few days ago, but I didn't feel quite ready to write anything till today.  I have these instances of inspiration.  They're really just rants in my head about a particular subject. Then they are gone--not to be written down or remembered.  Rants like this one will get boring...reader, please skim over whatever you find boring--probably most, if not all, of it. :)  I have always found most blogs to be rather boring and un-insightful, except for the rare jewels to be stumbled upon.

On the scarce occasion that I write something in a diary or journal, I think, "Wow, someday I'll let someone close to me read this, and they will be impressed with how well I knew myself or what deep thoughts I've had!"  I'm skeptical of blogs for this very thought.   It is much too easy to portray oneself in a deep, meditative type of way that is rather repulsive to me when publicized. Nevertheless, I feel the draw--to be looked upon as wise and thoughtful would be nice! And yet when others do it, I feel that I can see right through the facade.  "Thanks, but no thanks.  I'll skip 'reading your blogs.'"   So if you, reader, skip "reading my blogs," I completely understand. Truth be told, I'd rather you not read them out of obligation.  I can handle the truth--my life is really not THAT interesting.  I don't mean that in a "low self-esteem" or a "humble" sort of way, because if I'm being honest, I do think my life is interesting, at least to me.  Nevertheless, I realize that there are a handful of people out there in the world who don't think so. ;)

So how do I go about not being the type of blogger that I hold at arms length? I'm not sure.  I'll just do my best at being honest with and about myself, showing discretion with what I write, and writing. (The last of those may end up being the biggest struggle.)  Ultimately, I am a truth-seeker--wherever it may be found. This blog should not be focused on me as much as it should be focused on pursuing Truth and making it known. I guess, however, that in part, it is about me.  I am the author, one of the seekers.  So I suppose the blog being partially about me is inescapable.  I do desire though, that the focus be less about me and more about what God is doing before my eyes (hence the name of the blog).

Reader, your task is to hold me accountable to this.

So if you so choose to follow the blog, here is what I ask:  Comment.   I relish what others think, especially when it goes against the grain, my grain.  Give me your opinion, thoughts, insights, ideas, support, disagreements, encouragement, and most importantly--criticism.